Throwback Thursday

Suffering is the sole origin of consciousness~Dostoyevsky

Today was the last full day that I saw my seniors in the class of 2018.  During class, one of them asked me on which of my social media platforms do I talk the least about running, because, according to the student, my Instagram is filled with only running posts and running is not this student’s thing.  Actually I believe her statement was, “and I hate running.”

I laughed at her statement because it was clear she doesn’t get it…..yet.  She doesn’t get that when you have an epiphany about your life and discover something that transforms you in every way possible–you want to share it–you have to share it!!

Just to be clear, there’s no hyperbole in my statement about the level of my transformation.  Running and  took a 270ish pound man and with each mile, whittled down the layers of emotional and physical baggage that he surrounded himself with.

At the end of 2013, I was unhappy.  I felt stuck physically.  I had lost around 40 lbs within a few years after I had started running but I had plateaued.  Part of that plateau was a fracturing that was occurring between myself, my brothers and my parents.  The emotional distress of the fall of 2013 was wounding my spirit and I felt like I was losing touch with who I was as the problems with my family worsened. I needed to do something drastic because the toxicity of my familial relationships was turning me into a person I did not recognize.

The drastic change came first in the form of a cry for help.  I reached out to a student who was into fitness and asked if he could help me get serious about losing weight and working out.  He told me, he’d help me only if I had goals.  He told me to write down three goals and share them with him.  Once that was done he’d commit to helping me as long as I did one thing–never quit….no matter how challenging it gets.  I agreed, not really knowing what was on the horizon, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone.

Emotionally I had to something drastic as well.   I recognized that to truly make this commitment I had to stop carrying around the emotional baggage associated with my family.  So I sent my parents an email describing how I had been feeling and what needed to be done in order to improve our failing relationships.  It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders; after doing that I was more prepared for the journey ahead.

Over the next 5 months I had to fight physically through the challenges but before me and emotionally as my family refused to acknowledge my request for change.  It was the first truly great challenge of my life as I learned what I was capable of.  I was definitely moving forward, but my forward progress was taking me further away from my stagnated family.  By the time May of 2014 had arrived I was down 50 pounds and my total weight loss was totaling 100 lbs.  Sadly my family relationships have never improved; in my mind that door will probably always remain closed.

Since that time I have never looked back.  I continue to run and workout, adding more muscle to my frame and maintaining a healthy weight.  I have now run four marathons, 10 half marathons and various other lower mileage races.  Each time I lace up, whether it’s for a race or a run, I learn something about my genuine self.  It’s as if running was the furnace that burned away many of insecurities allowing me to feel more confident once I had exited the fire.

So, yes, my instagram is full of running shots, my facebook has running posts and my twitter has running quotes–because running saved me.  I share this today as a cautionary tale.  We all come to those crossroads in life where we need to choose how far we’re willing to go to accomplish our goals.  Sometimes it requires a cry for help, sometimes it means separating toxic relationships from you, sometimes it requires an effort you’ve never given before…….but no matter what–you’re worth it–and so am I.